Wow! 

This is how I have to start my story. What a wild year of change, good and complex. 

Moving countries, starting a new job, making new friends and a relationship ending.

Mauritius

The big move to Mauritius took place in late December 2023, leaving China after a 4 year journey of teaching, travel, adventure and discomfort in the end; a nagging feeling to make a move to Mauritius to continue my career for a lower salary but a new lifestyle. A place I have a love for and now call home. 

Mauritius is filled with a calm beauty; the ocean, the natural vegetation and constant sounds of nature. A slower paced life, to think, to be and to embrace. A vastly different life to China; big cities, loads of people, fast, efficient and convenient. 

I am back to basics and this is where peace finds me. 

My heart is content in this new place. I have made some great connections and am grateful for friends who understand and value me. 

Relationship Attachments

Value is something to hold close and I unfortunately felt the flip-side of this. Knowing your value, but having someone so close to you that does not see your value and honor it is devastating. It makes you question yourself and set you up for unhealthy attachments, something I developed for a year and continued to stay in.  Unfortunately, I am loyal to a fault and I always stick by ‘my people’. 

The turbulence of a dysfunctional relationship with someone who does not love themselves inherently leads to not having the capacity to truly love another. Someone running in different directions and you don’t know which way they will go. Losing sight of them and then seeing them appear again is confusion in itself. Someone looking for healing but swallowing a toxic pill thinking it will solve their problems. Addiction breaks so many good relationships and for the first time in my life I have seen the wrath of what it can do to a person and those around them. It changes a person’s behavior to the point of destruction and in these moments they are hurting themselves and others. It sucks the life out of you and keeps you anxious most days, waiting on the next unknown move. I come with my own faults , but due to the mess and confusion I had insecurities arise. The inconsistency of behavior in a relationship is the oil to the flame, burning bright with confusion. Consistency and trust means stability with clear boundaries, like pillars around a house securing its border. 

I lacked security in the relationship and was always on a roller coaster of anxiety. 

Now that the relationship is severed, I still hold anxiety and need to work through the thoughts to eventually calm my mind and body. Anxiety for me is a bubbling sensation in the center of your chest and with every pop is a thought that stabs you with pain. That pain is felt in gripping a rope that is being pulled harder and harder away from you, that eventually when your grip fails it frees the blood to pump at ease without pain. Oh, how I felt like this, holding on so tight but hurting myself in the process. 

I have often thought how foolish it was, but the grip was so tight that my hand was in a spasm and I struggled to release it, until the rope was cut and I went flying back to the ground with scratches and bruises. I am reminded of the verse “ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed” 2Cor 4, 8-9. Man oh man, this is a great promise but still so painful to clean and dress the wounds that sting. And at the same time while you suffer, the other person cares nothing for the situation and lacks self-awareness and warrants their behavior. 

Onwards

Addressing my heart in this situation means taking time for myself, connecting with family and friends and talking through the pain. Talking through the ‘red flags’, and the protection God was giving the entire time. 

Gut feelings are the true indicator and warning of ‘hidden’ parts of a relationship. I was ignoring those for too long in hope that things would get better and this person would find the healing they needed. 

The (Mess)age

Through the mess, there is a message. God protects us from things we cannot see in the future and he allows situations to happen so that ultimately we, His children are protected. 

I still grapple with how someone can mistreat another in the way I have experienced. I always like to make sense of things and understand why a situation happens, but I am left knowing that God is our vindicator and we only need to “be still” ps 46:10 and know that He fights our battles. God loves justice and he will make right what is wrong. For some this might translate to Karma, where there is a wheel that turns in life. We reap what we sow. 

Finally, I will follow peace as my guide this time around… It needs to sit ‘well’ with my soul, to know I am on the right path.

For those who have walked similar paths, take heart in knowing that  “… a future awaits those who seek peace” ps 37:37

All my love,

Kirsty