This morning after arriving at work, I sat for a few minutes in my car looking at one of the trees throwing out its leaves to the wind. The dead leaves leave to make room for the new leaves to sprout forth. How important is this in our own lives, but we forget it so often – we keep to the comfort, the mundane and the warm walls of security.
What is security anyway?! Is it a perception or a reality or both?
My perception is my reality, even if it’s a perceived lie. It’s crazy!
So I want to unwrap this a little…
Sharing my journey over the last while
I entered into a relationship that was awesome, spontaneous, loving and adventurous, yet painful, confusing and broken.
I was broken in so many ways that I can now see so much more clearly being out of the relationship. When you’re in something you can often be blinded by the close view of it as everything seems so magnified. Stepping back has allowed me to see the pieces to the picture and it now seems clearer and brighter. A now picturesque perception with understanding.
Raw and New
I have struggled most of my life with feeling excluded and this is something that was revealed to me in counselling over the last few weeks. It is the root to my insecurity and loneliness that I feel. The walls I built kept me excluded – the pain festered there making me more and more resentful and scared. Feelings of unacceptance plagued me and left me on the ‘outside’ of so much that was actually open to me to embrace.
The lie is that the walls kept me safe from rejection and harm and it was warm there. I mean who wants to step out into the cold when you have a cosy corner to sit in. (I am a lover of all things warm – from colours to summer heat- so this is hard for me).
But oh, how painful the heat became, and the push to give it up has lead me to step out , however small and slow the process may be. I am taking the risk to connect with others and leave the so-called perception- of- security. As long as I am walking with God, I know He keeps me safe for He covers me. “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armour and protection.” Psalm 91:4. The safety I have believed for myself has given me more anxiety and grief than good, so I am slowly giving up control of it and living in the exciting space God has for me right now.
God gave me a revelation last night while I was voice-noting my cousin (age of technology haha). I began speaking of the bark being stripped from a tree and how the sap is secreted and at that moment I knew that this is what is happening to me – the old habits and beliefs are being stripped away and the new sap is making a new soft covering over the trunk. The soft parts of me are being revealed because God wants that for me. So even though right now I feel raw, there is newness in me… a hope, an expectancy and it’s a feeling that’s bubbling that I can’t quite explain, but it’s there.
So I have chosen…
To love and connect with others, making time to make connections and to embrace the fullness that planting these seeds will bring. I have also learnt a lot from my relationship- that connecting with others and building lasting relationships is important and fulfilling. I have chosen to take the positive and to be an all-in, all-inclusive person. What am I to lose by doing and being just that… when keeping myself behind the walls of exclusion causes me to lose myself and everything good around me.
I am choosing LIFE and to be present in every moment for “ This is the day that the Lord has made;let us rejoice and be glad in it.“Psalm 118:24.
I am not letting ‘waiting’ rob me anymore, by hoping for things to get better; I am making it better and living it NOW! This is the newness in me!
Embrace the newness God has for you!